domestic assault

Domestic Violence: 4 warning signs that could save your life




Domestic Violence

When I decided to try my hand at starting a blog, the obvious topic of choice was my experiences as a cop.

It’s what I know.

Like it or not, it’s who I am.

I could have taken the safer route like becoming a food blogger or a blog blogger (someone who blogs about how to start a blog).

No, I decided that I was going share my world with you. It’s not always pretty and certainly won’t make me a ton of money like some on here.

As I have stressed in other articles, being a cop has given me a unique perspective into deviant human behavior. These calls stick to us long after we have experienced them. Thank goodness not everything about the job is so bleak.  Some days we actually get to help people. Everyday is different in police work.

There are some calls however that are more frequent than others. Probably the most frequent call we respond to are calls of domestic violence.

I can honestly say, with no body worn camera required, I have never worked a shift in my 23 years where either myself or another officer working with me has not responded to a call of domestic violence.

Not, ONE, day.

Note: this post contains affiliate links

Cops hate these calls.

It’s not that we don’t want to help those who need us. These calls, especially when children are in the home, drain us. There is also an increased chance that one of us could be hurt or killed when responding to these calls.

It is also difficult at times when all we have is her word against his without any other evidence.

Early in my career, while working the south side of our city, I responded to a domestic violence call between a husband and wife. The wife was being loud and abrasive with me and my partner, yelling and screaming for us to take her husband to jail for hitting her.

The husband, who was sitting on the front porch, remained overly calm and relaxed, insisting that his wife was crazy.

I would later learn, through updated domestic violence training, this was a classical demeanor an abuser would use to fool us.

It worked.

We cleared the call and would later mark off duty.

The next day, as I arrived for work, I was greeted by my Shift Sergeant. He handed me a stack of warrants and told me what the husband had done to his wife before and after we had cleared the call from the day before. It was bad.

I was embarrassed. Ashamed.

I had been conned and it could have cost this woman her life.

But I learned from this mistake and from future training.

Now, after investigating thousands of domestic violence complaints over my career, I want to share what I know.  I want to make you aware of these 4 early warning signs that almost all abusers display. Remember, these are just the four, in my opinion, that are at the top of the list.

This knowledge could potentially save your life.




1. Jealousy

And I’m not talking about the healthy form of jealousy that all humans feel for loved ones.

This is the kind of jealousy that doesn’t look good. Like “you know it when you see it” kind of jealousy that’s not good. Many abusers will have this common trait that builds over time.

With abusers, the outward jealousy they display quickly develops into an almost manic obsession with you.

And it’s not healthy. Or normal.

Throughout my career I have investigated thousands of domestic assault calls. I remember early in my career I wanted to know why or what was the universal cause of these events.domestic violence

Without fail it would almost unanimously begin with a statement similar to this one;

“He accused me of sleeping with my co-worker when he grabbed the phone from me. When I tried to get it back…that’s when he punched me in the face”.

If you have ever felt the sting of jealousy, you know how hurtful and painful it can be. An abuser takes the hurt and turns into anger and sometimes hatred.

It’s not long before he then turns it into rage and then violence.

2. He breaks things.

This one trait and early warning sign of an abuser sometimes gets overlooked as either passion or just him having a bad day.

It is neither.

Before I have every male in this country bashing me for taking the side of the female and for writing this article, let me be clear. It is one thing to be angry and punch a wall out of frustration.

It is something entirely different when you see every door, wall and every other content in a house destroyed. Trust me, when you see it, like I have on too many calls, it screams of an abusive spouse or partner.

It’s only a matter of time before his aggression and anger towards inanimate objects turns to something new.

And that would be you.

(Lookupfare is the only site I use when booking flights and making hotel reservations.) 

3. Past Abuse

Many abusers cannot change their violent ways. Be it the way they were raised, past traumatic events or just hard wiring. Now I know human beings have the ability to change and some do.

Sadly, most don’t.

If, while vetting your new partner (and yes you should definitely do this) or acquaintance, you come across past violent behavior, please proceed with caution.

(I have partnered with Intelius, a  highly reputable background screening company, that would provide you a good starting point if you have any suspicions of your new partner.)

I honestly can’t think of one instance where I have arrested someone for domestic assault and it be some fluke occurrence with no prior history of violence.

The laws have gotten a little better in providing stiffer penalties for those who are convicted of domestic violence on more than one occasion.

4. Isolation

This warning sign is non-negotiable. Meaning, get out. And I don’t mean plan on making a move or contemplating the meaning and future of the relationship.

Grab your kids and cellphone and leave. NOW!

Isolation is one of the more insidious ways an abuser uses to control and ultimately hide their activity. I have seen, on multiple occasions, where the abuser has refused to let their partner have any interaction with family or friends.

In some of the worst cases, I have seen where the phone lines have been cut by the abuser (and now, cell phones being turned off).

The tactic of isolation is similar to those used by cult leaders who want to brainwash their victims and control any influence from the outside world. I have interviewed many victims of domestic violence who had been isolated for days and sometimes years. It really is one of the sadder things I have seen as a cop.


I encourage each of you to share this article with friends and family. Also, please share with those who you suspect may be in an abusive relationship or know someone who is.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship and are wondering what your next move should be, your first step should be to call your local police or sheriff’s office. They will offer the resources in your area that are available to victims of abuse.


Some of you have reached out and want to share your story with others. A blog like this one is a great way to reach those who could benefit from your experience and interests. Blogging has changed my perspective and my life.

It could do the same for you.

Here is a video by Gary Vaynerchuk that expresses what I have been saying for years. You get ONE LIFE! If it’s starting your own business, getting your college degree, or starting your own blog, Don’t wait.

Just start.


I highly recommend HostGatorwhich in my opinion is the simplest and fastest way to get you started on your blogging journey. If you have any questions about starting a blog or a website, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment or email me directly at bart@familysafefirst.com.

This song, Grey Street by Dave Matthews Band, makes me think of all the victims of domestic violence I have encountered over my years as a cop.


 

A 23-year veteran police officer, Bart spent time as a patrolmen and a violent crimes detective (specialized in strategic intelligence and research analysis). Aside from this experience in high profile case investigations, he has received training from the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security in Advanced Intelligence Analysis. Bart also holds a Bachelor of Science degree in Criminal Justice and Strategic Intelligence (Magna Cum Laude) from Liberty University. As a father of four, husband and law enforcement officer, he wants to share his knowledge on safety with you. Bart is also a contributing writer for Law Enforcement Today.

53 Comments

  • Marilyn Woodall March 4, 2017 at 9:05 pm

    Another good post Bart. Sadly most ignore the warnings and pass it off with excuses. I applaud the ones that get out and press charges and the ones that don’t pay a very heavy price sometimes with their life and their children’s or other family members lives. I think it’s important to point out that if one gets a restraining order etc be sure to do everything the judge or magistrate advises you to do such as change the locks and keep the restraining order up to date.

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 5, 2017 at 7:55 am

      Thanks Marilyn. You brought up some very good points. Sometimes victims of abuse feel trapped and feel there is no way out. Others think that the abuse will stop.

      Reply
      • danceswithskunks June 6, 2017 at 3:13 pm

        Hi Bart, thank you for your article and your service. I just left a 29 year marriage, and am in hiding now. I wish I could give you all of the details but can’t, except to say that the local police really stepped up to help me. When I’m in a better spot, I hope to return here to write more details so others can read them and know to get out and NOT come back. In my case, I was on meds for the entire marriage because I’ve had PTSD most of my life. When I finally went off my meds last year, my mind cleared up and I finally left for good with the help of the police.

        If I can give any advice, I’d say DON’T GO BACK!!

        Reply
    • Sarah Keeley March 17, 2017 at 5:03 pm

      Excuses are used because you are trapped, you are made to feel that you don’t matter, that only the perpetrator is correct and that when he uses other influences ie anxiety, work etc as reasons you fall into the lair. He has overall control which he has been gradually increased layer by layer. Its not until you leave, which can take years, that you realise how you used to cover for him. Friends try to tell you, but even they are pushed away as he isolates you more. You are alone, thanks to the perpetrator. Mental abuse destroys the victims soul, puts you on edge, you question yourself on everything you do. It never leaves you completely

      Reply
  • Dennis VanCamp March 5, 2017 at 8:44 am

    Good informative post Bart!

    Reply
  • Dawni March 14, 2017 at 10:34 am

    Thanks for the information! I lived this for 15 years and finally broke free with my 3 kids…with Gods help we can all make it out alive! We all need to be more educated on the cycles and complexities of DV.

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 14, 2017 at 10:45 am

      I am glad you were able to break free from that situation Dawni. I have seen more family violence than any person should as a cop of over 20 years. Please share this article with those who may be in a similar situation.

      Reply
  • Maren Loeblein March 14, 2017 at 12:48 pm

    I’m a Victim Advocate and work with a local DA’s office, this is valuable information that I will be sharing with my survivors. One of the biggest problems I deal with is the police not taking these situations seriously because they’ve been called out to the house time and time again… any suggestions on how to handle this?

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 14, 2017 at 12:59 pm

      Great comment and question Maren! As a Police Sergeant, I always tell my officers to be professional and apply the law when handling domestic violence complaints. I also tell them my story that I related in the article of what can happen if you fail to do this. These are probably the most serious calls that cops respond to. When you think about it, family violence is at the root of most other violent behavior adopted by those who are directly effected by it. Great comment Maren!

      Reply
      • Paloma March 16, 2017 at 10:13 am

        How do you get help when you’ve called the DA’s office and all the shelters and received no help? I decided to leave and didnt follow through getting in contact with the DA’s office now I’m being accused of kidnapping. I was afraid for our lives and really felt the police didnt believe me and wouldn’t protect me. I lived across the street from the department and any time I did go they would tell me I had to go to another police department because he would get me and kids in the car and take me for an errand just to yell and berate me on the way there not handle the errand and then take me back home. I was always asked if I wanted them to talk to him but I knew I would get backlash if I did so I always said no.

        Reply
  • Deb March 14, 2017 at 2:48 pm

    “The husband, who was sitting on the front porch, remained overly calm and relaxed, insisting that his wife was crazy.” This is what happened to me. Interesting to hear how the officers may have felt when they had to arrest him and he pled nolo. I hesitate to call the police now for fear they will simply think I’m crazy. 🙁

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 14, 2017 at 3:57 pm

      Deb, I am sorry that you have been a victim of domestic violence. The part you are quoting is what happened to me over twenty years ago, prior to any formalized training in domestic violence. Now, officers are trained what to look out for that may be indicators of abuse. Please don’t ever hesitate to call the police. Your safety is way more important than what the police may “think of you”. Thanks for the comment and be safe.

      Reply
      • Momof4 March 16, 2017 at 10:29 pm

        Bart I’m scared. I have had domestic abuse done to me as recently as this evening. I am 39 weeks pregnant and idk what to do. I have 2 young toddlers here 4 and 5 and he has a 4 year old and a 7 year old. He drinks heavily whenever he can and goes on rampages and breaks my belonging punches walls pushes me hits me in the face grabs me by the hair threatens to kill me and I just want him to leave and get out of my life forever.

        Reply
        • Bart Proctor March 17, 2017 at 6:54 am

          Call the police NOW! Don’t wait. They can, at minimum, offer you the resources you need to remove yourself from this situation. If he is doing the things that you are saying, then he needs to go to jail. PERIOD. Please get out NOW.

          Reply
          • Momof4 March 18, 2017 at 8:02 pm

            It’s happening again and my mother lives so close and I’m scared of what will transpire. I’m due any second and he just slapped me in the face and pushed me about 20 times as to not let me leave the kitchen. All in front of his 4 year old. I’m scared to death of the repercussions for my children and child welfare and my safety and my unborn sons safety. I feel frozen

          • Bart Proctor March 19, 2017 at 10:15 pm

            Please call the Police!

  • Jamie March 14, 2017 at 5:19 pm

    Thank you. I was married to an abuser for 10 years. I was able to obtain a restraining order with an added stipulation to have him removed from the home. One of the responding officers was kind and the other was not so much that. Even going as far as to say “this is bull****”

    I understand that my ex husband is very good at looking nice. To the average officer who isn’t dealing with a drunk or a drug addict, he looked like a nice, hard working guy.
    They had no idea what kind of monster the kids and I lived with.
    He did all of these things, isolated me, was insanely jealous, broke my things and had a past of very unsuccessful relationships with women who all seemed to be “crazy” to him.

    They’re good at lying, it’s part of their game. Women who are with abusive partners are adept at faking the look of a successful relationship team. You have to, because if you make him look bad it’s big trouble.

    Thank you for pointing these things out.
    I speak about my experience regularly. So that people can see that it is real.
    When you speak about your side of the experience, it adds weight to what domestic violence really looks like.

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 14, 2017 at 5:46 pm

      Thank you Jamie for your candid and honest comment. After responding to thousands of these calls over the years, specific patterns became consistent with each case. These were just the four that I kept seeing over and over again. And you are spot on with keeping up appearances. It is all apart of the master manipulation and control that abusers exhibit over their victims. Take care and be safe!

      Reply
      • Jamie March 14, 2017 at 7:30 pm

        Thank you.
        If you’d like to know, I took advantage of the resources available to me through the YWCA.
        One of the things that was offered to me was group therapy. It helped a lot. Constant and consistent education and holding yourself accountable for your choices.

        I grabbed my kids and ran in the night August 5th 2015. I haven’t been back since. My divorce will be final at the end of April.
        I graduate at the end of this month and I’m on my way to an amazing and lucrative apprenticeship program.

        Reply
        • Bart Proctor March 14, 2017 at 7:44 pm

          You sound like a very strong person Jamie. Good luck to all of your future endeavors and thank you for telling your story here.

          Reply
  • Theresa March 14, 2017 at 6:01 pm

    Hi Bart. I really enjoy reading your articles. I would like to ask you,
    why no one ever discusses the domestic abuse issues that take place between siblings?
    I myself have been abused by my brother all of my life and no one would ever help. I was even told that it wasnt as important as spousal. I think its important when your big brother beats you and cuts you. People just don’t want to get involved. I’m in my fifties now and he still abuses me. And the police think he is an upstanding member of the community. No one will help. What advice can you give?

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 16, 2017 at 8:47 pm

      Sorry for the late response Theresa. I am very sorry that your own brother abuses you. It is wrong and it’s also against the law! Please document and photograph, record, or anything else you need to do to build a case that can’t be ignored. If you have tried everything through your local PD and courts and still no results, then you really have only two options.

      The running theme through all of my articles are for people to take ownership of their situation. Priority one should be your safety. If that means defending yourself so be it. If it means getting out and leaving, that too. DO NOT rely on ANYONE to protect you. Protect yourself.

      Reply
  • Susan Peirick March 14, 2017 at 7:04 pm

    All too familiar. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 14, 2017 at 7:42 pm

      I am sorry Susan. Thank you.

      Reply
      • Rachel Scott March 14, 2017 at 9:54 pm

        Bart…glad to discover your blog. Great article! Interested to hear your response to Theresa in the comment above.

        Reply
  • Melinda March 14, 2017 at 7:43 pm

    After being in an abusive relationship for 8 years I finally decided to call the police on Oct 16 2016 at 11:30 pm. I was being held in the garage and was being told that he was going to kill me. I knew by the look in his eyes that he was serious. Usually he would choke me till I lost consciousness, but would never hit me as he didn’t want to leave bruises. I finally got out of the garage, made my way into the house, locked the door and called police. He kicked in the door. The kids and I went into the bedroom and locked the door but he kicked through that too. I told him the police were on their way. When he saw the headlights of a car coming up the road through the window, he went outside sat down on the porch and was as calm as could be. He was also very polite to the police. Thank goodness they believed me and they took him to jail. When it came time for court the judge asked me “Did you know victim who has an abuser whose preferred method of assault is choking is at a 50% more higher chance of being murdered?” I did not know that. We now have an order of protection and we are all in counseling. I now also try to help through my local domestic violence support group. I do remember getting very upset when he acted like a nice person when the police got there. I did not know that this was part of an abusers plan. I am very grateful that the police did know though. They very well saved my life that night. Thank you for putting yourself in harms way to keep us all safe. May God always protect you and your family and bless you.

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 14, 2017 at 7:50 pm

      Melinda, you are a true warrior. I have heard and witnessed your story many, many times. To this day I am still embarrassed by the fact that I was conned in the same fashion when your ex used the “calm” tactic. I am thankful for the training I received not long after being duped by this. take care and be safe.

      Reply
  • Dimple March 15, 2017 at 12:02 am

    Hi. I live in India and have worked as a counselor in family courts here. Apparently there is no training for police here on domestic violence case. Even the women officers are very aggressive with the victim as often the victim decides either to withdraw the case in hope of a compromise mainly because there is no government intervention as in shelter homes etc and often women have no choice but the streets or the abusive household.

    Here emotional violence is ignored because there are number of physical (grevious) abuse cases which are pending. Couple of bones broken is also considered minor. Have contacted many NGOs working in the field and have wanted to spread awareness of narcissism through media, somehow No one seems interested. Many counsellors in the field for over a decade have little knowledge about this too.

    But reading your article gave me another ray of hope. Maybe intervention at the police level in terms of training could help. I would appreciate if you could share some information on the kind of training imparted. You have my email address and can reach me there. Thanks

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 15, 2017 at 3:00 pm

      Thank you. Unfortunately, I am not familiar with domestic violence laws in India therefore it is difficult for me to offer any quick or fast solutions to the problems there. I will reach out to my training unit here and see if we have any online training that may help you.

      Reply
  • Maren Loeblein March 15, 2017 at 1:49 pm

    Please know, NO MATTER what state you live in there is a Victim/Witness program. Different states will help with different services. Simply google “(your state) Victim/Witness program”

    Reply
    • Maren Loeblein March 15, 2017 at 1:51 pm

      This typically includes victims of all violent crimes not just victims of domestic violence. Please contact your state’s program.

      Reply
      • Bart Proctor March 17, 2017 at 7:10 am

        Thank you Maren. Hopefully your comments will not fall on deaf ears.

        Reply
  • Jeri March 15, 2017 at 10:10 pm

    Thank you for the blog and the information. I’m 3 years out of an abusive marriage – my ex husband is now an ex police officer. Not only did he know the warning signs from his job experience but he sadly used his position of power to keep me from seeking help from those that I should have trusted to help me. Being told that if I went to the police for help would get me nowhere because his ‘brothers’ would never turn on him was the most hopeless feeling ever.
    Luckily my family knew the signs and got involved just enough to give me the courage to leave the marriage safely and then come clean with my story when the time presented itself. He was put on administrative leave for 5 days and chose to resign.
    I wish more information was available to spouses of officers to help them know the channels to go through if they are ever in this situation. Not all that are ‘on the job’ are bad- but it’s taken me a very long time to learn to trust local law enforcement again.

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 15, 2017 at 10:27 pm

      Jeri, I am sorry that he used his position of authority to manipulate and abuse you. This type of crime knows no ethnic, cultural or professional limitations for those who are abusers. I hope that you pull through and one day begin to trust the police again.

      Reply
  • Shan March 15, 2017 at 10:57 pm

    Hi after 4 years of abuse I called the police for the first time ever as he had punched me hard in the head and taken my bag with my keys and asthma inhaler in it..as always I went into a panic attack mode which for me is vomiting and gagging..when the police arrived I vomited on the outside of their car..they took this to mean I was wasted and wouldn’t take my statement..id had a couple of beers about 5pm at a bbq and this incident happened at 2am the next morning..it did put me off calling them the next time..altho I did have future dealings with the police in regards to him and they were awesome.

    Reply
  • Lisa McGuiness March 16, 2017 at 4:05 am

    That’s great advice if you get a police officer like yourself. Sadly that has not been my experience. Twice now when i have called the police i have been treated like dirt and told “we have more important things to be doing”.

    Reply
  • Humera March 16, 2017 at 3:39 pm

    As someone who has left their abusive ex, I find it so difficult to get the right attention from those higher up in power. My ex is still constantly harassing me, deleting emails in my account, stalking, and standing outside my front door in a fit of rage. When I call the police (I’m in uk) they are so understanding and make several suggestions, however, taking it to court is another story. Every order I have requested has been denied due to lack of evidence. He’s a highly educated man with money at his disposal, so top lawyers come in, whereas I have no representation, and tell the judge this man has strong links to this country and will not abscond with the girls. I know for a fact that he has a forced marriage planned but cannot prove it.
    To every woman out there, please please collect as much evidence as you can. Even if in the early days u have no intention of prosecuting.

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 17, 2017 at 7:08 am

      If you cannot rely on the PD or the Courts to help you then you have two choices. Stay or leave. And I agree with your assertion that victims of abuse should document the incidents. Also, an order that is written on a piece of paper does not always work. Know when it’s time to stand your ground or leave.

      Reply
  • Linda Lenox March 16, 2017 at 8:26 pm

    I have a daughter who was with an abuser. I told her to leave him repetitively. She was not allowed to have a car, they didn’t have a phone in the house, except he had a cell phone, which was always on him. She family could go see her , but afterword, she caught hell for the visit. Sometimes she did leave, staying with her child at a local shelter, but she always went back. She didn’t leave for good until he hurt her children; they were not seriously hurt, but she knew it would get worse. I worked as a jailer in the women’s unit of our small, county jail. Many women who were booked into the jail had been abused. Most of them always went back to their abuser. I always tried t talk to the women about getting themselves and their children to a safe place. I don’t understand it. Love isn’t hitting for any reason, or destroy your possessions, or constantly control you.

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 17, 2017 at 7:04 am

      I couldn’t agree more with your comment Linda!

      Reply
  • Barb March 18, 2017 at 10:52 am

    The most destructive abuse are physical and mental combined. Your life is in danger with one or the other but if the abuser has both then you are in big trouble. GET OUT!! LEAVE NOW !! PLEASE DON:T STAY NO MATTER WHAT. EVEN if you have to leave your home.
    …NOTHING IN THIS WORLD IS AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR LIFE or THE LIFE OF YOUR CHILD….. To the abusers your life means nothing to them when they are in the fit of rage. So many people listen to their lies & deceit about how good they will be and how it will never happen again but it always does sooner or later. Some people are such smooth talkers they can talk a snake out of their skin. Don’t let what happened to my friend happen to you……….Here is her story….
    My friend had to up root and move 8 times in a two year time frame to different towns, states and finely clear across the country to get away from this creep but in the end he found her again for one last time. To make her long sad story short ::: His last dirty fit of rage ended him in prison for life for what he did to his son and how he killed him. He had sexually abused all three of them, his wife, son and daughter (ages 5 & 3). In his last fit he killed his son, put his wife & daughter in the hospital for weeks. When the PD arrived he was so out of control that they had to shot him.
    Sad part about this story is the gun shot didn’t kill him and the pain he caused my friend & her daughter that will never go away.

    Reply
  • Ann March 18, 2017 at 5:19 pm

    Where is #2?

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 18, 2017 at 6:02 pm

      Oooops! Thank you Ann for catching that! Number 2 is now back in the article. My next article should be on why you should pay someone to do the coding for your website..

      Reply
  • Cristina Castaneda March 26, 2017 at 11:51 am

    Hello, Mr Bart , thanks for posting this to make aware to public of the severity of DV and in most cases abusers end up killing their abuser..I speak as a domestic violence victim survivor , anytime you get a DV call and children are involved, please take it seriously, it is not a game!!! .

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 26, 2017 at 2:57 pm

      Thank you for the kind words Cristina. And yes, my officers take DV calls very seriously and ensure that every possible resource is used to stop the violence.

      Reply
  • Ashley Hesse March 30, 2017 at 10:52 am

    Overall, a very good article. However, I am confused by the statement you made about punching holes in the wall. Healthy people ddon’t punch holes in the walls during arguements with their partners. They leave the situation and go somewhere to calm down.
    That punching holes not being indicative of abuse comment is part of the reason it’s taken me so long to admit that I am in an abusive relationship and terrified as I’m trying to leave. He’s punched numerous holes in our walls throughout the years, and I will respectfully have to disagree that punching holes in the walls is not a sign of abusive behavior. He’d done it on three or four separate occasions before he eventually threw me into the counter top and followed up by wrapping is hands around my throat and shoving me into a door. It may not be as obvious or disturbing as a destroyed interior, but punching holes in walls IS abusive behavior. It is a direct implication of “you’re lucky it was the wall and not your face”.

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 30, 2017 at 3:51 pm

      Thank you Ashley for your comment and I am sorry that you have been the victim of an abusive partner. I believe my comment about punching walls may have gotten lost in translation with you.

      I believe the point I was trying to convey is that if your partner escalates and continually strikes walls or other objects out of anger when arguing with you (not a one time or rare thing like if he just found out his mom or his dog died) then it would definitely be a red flag that should make you take notice.

      Reply
  • dbrown April 11, 2017 at 5:36 pm

    I’m glad there are officers that don’t fall for the abusers calm demenor. Of coarse the victim has just been through something horrible and can’t switch on a dime. I do have a personal opinion on keeping your children from being a victim . Don’t be an angry screaming spanking parent. If you grow up with that your not gonna recognize it’s not your fault. Never understood an urge to hit your own children but I know some good parents still do this.

    Reply
  • Samantha April 29, 2017 at 3:38 am

    Im in tears right now,, trying to figure out my life and what to do since October have been though hell. My boyfriend has been arrested after running from warrants where he tried to stab me I had an order of protection and broke it many times . once even video chatting the police while they were here making an report., between the end of October and the first of December the police were called 53 times., broken windows, apartment destroyed, car destroyed ran off a hill though trees,broken bones, tormented, wasn’t able or allowed to shower do hair make up, eat sleep, wear shoes in the house, talk to any friends or family. . left a few times but he threatened my whole family stalked and hatrased me so I went to live under the bridge with him so it would stop.. I tried killing myself because I didn’t see a way out.. I went to rehab and iop therapy when I walked out he was outside I tried for so long to get help and they finally believed me.. Now idk what to do with my life were to start . idk what to do.. I know icon sleep safe now ..but what is messed up and idk why is that I miss him and feel heart broken I really did and do love him idk why what’s wrong with me..sorry so long just our blog hit me hard..,

    Reply
  • Kimberly Perkins April 29, 2017 at 5:48 am

    I’m a survivor of Domestic Violence. My husband of 30 years shot at me 3 times. Fortunately, I caught only one bullet to my neck. I feel guilty sometimes for calling the police. I did not want any one to die that night . Not I, not him, not the police. I did not think it would escalate to what happened. Helicopters and News vans surrounded my house. I knew then the dirty secret was out. I felt embarrassed knowing the world, my job would know this awful secret I had been living with was out. I’m grateful that they, the policemen were able to go home to their families. But mine was forever torn apart. If it were not for the 911 operator talking to me and prompting the officers,expediting them get here after hearing the gun shots rang out, I wouldn’t be alive today. You see, he (my husband) told me was going to” kill me”. Long story short,THERE ARE GOOD POLICEMEN OUT THERE,THEY ARE DIAMONDS THOUGH.

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  • Patricia Skeggs August 21, 2017 at 8:05 am

    Who do you blame at the end of the day, when your abuser did what he promised to do if you left.. Destroy you? My abuse lasted for 12 grueling years of unthinkable beatings and mental torture. The police were involved in 2 major cities in California and all that ever happened was that I got told to leave with my 11 year old at the time while police chopped it up with him about Football and team dinners etc. He was a Football Coach and I was his best kept secret and continually disregarded and kicked out into the darkness of the night until “he calmed down.” They even took a loaded shotgun out of our house that had been regularly placed inside my mouth, while being called a whore and bitch while my Daughter begged him, crying and pleading him not to kill me as he cruelly would tell her “I am blowing the whores brains out and you are going to a foster home.” I finally got away but really I was undoubtedly sealing my fate without having one clue cuz what followed was a bigger nightmare than he ever could be! I would have another child a year after leaving him with another man and after she was four years old my abuser took me to court for custody of a child that wasn’t even his! Here is the worst part, he actually did it LEGALLY and whisked her off in the middle of the night, that was 14 years ago! I was deemed incompetent due to being labeled by the Judge as a “battered woman” making it impossible to make good decisions as a Mother to my Child! My Father would drop dead a week later of a massive heart attack (I think his heart was broken) and my life tumbled straight into Bolivian. He still haunts me to this day, he only re-surfaced a couple years ago after moving to another County and buying a house with his new wife, making a little family of his own with my child. She is turning 18 in 2 days and I am trying to get up enough nerve and heart to introduce myself to her o.O she was with me till she was 4 years old but, I find in so hard to come into her life with that kind of announcement “Hey i’m your Mom, you don’t know me but I spent the last 14 years searching for you and worrying if you were okay? But now I am broken totally and left on the floor and crazed by emotional torture of that bastard you think is your Dad financially beating me into oblivion as he did physically for years before you came into this world?” How could I be so selfish? I love her selflessly and because of that love I have decided to stay out instead of letting my daughter become another victim to this idiot! There is no help really, it seems to be such a big and overwhelming problem that nobody knows the answer too! I don’t really think there is one tbh but, it certainly isn’t the answer to rip children away from their Mother’s because they are battered and broken now according to the system, help them with counseling and provide them with something better that a shelter for the homeless or supervised visitation. Put the family in counseling together and try to help fix the problem instead of making it worse by adding the stress of bail, domestic violence classes (@ $30.00 a week in California), restitution and the humiliation of CPS and law enforcement and jail time. Usually financial depression is the trigger for abuse in most cases, so why think that throwing fuel into a fire is gonna make it any better? Laws are sealing the fate and putting the final coffin into the Woman’s coffin, now how is that helping? Thanks to Hilary Clinton’s reform on child welfare, she gave the green light to CPS to criminally break families up with falsified reports of abuse all for the almighty dollar and at whose expense? This has been proven across the country in the words of the CPS agents flipping on each other to avoid jail time, it’s sick and unforgivable and nobody can undo most losses, children and family preservation are priceless!

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