stalker

The 6 Warning Signs of A Stalker




Stalker

As a cop who has worked the streets, stalkers can be the most persistent and perplexing players for  law enforcement to handle. The reasons are many.

The biggest are the laws written to define what a stalker actually is. I have responded to many calls where the victim is claiming to be stalked by an individual. I’m sure in their mind it is a clear and cut case however most don’t reach that level based on the law.

In most states, by definition, a stalker is defined as someone who has, on more than one occasion, made physical contact with the victim. Also, and this is the big one, the victim must feel that this person intends to seriously injure or kill them.

These calls reached their apex during the late 1990’s and early 2000’s.

Now, it’s much easier to stalk your victim through social media and the internet. But we will save that topic for another day.

Stalking, in it’s original form prior to internet, still exists.

I have, on a personal level, experienced the twisted mind of a stalker. But more on that later (TEASER).

Lets get to work.

Note: This post contains affiliate links

From a broken heart to a stalker

For uniformity, I will use the male as the stalker in my examples for you.

But ladies, before you breathe your sigh of relief that you are the better sex, females aren’t far behind when it comes to being a stalker.

Most of the stalking cases I have handled have been, for the most part, a result of a bad break up. Some have grown out of some other relationship or none at all. Those usually involve a male who has a mental health issue and is not completely set in reality.

As mentioned, the most common is what I call the “broken heart, can’t get over it dude” or the “manically obsessed” jilted BF who thinks that these actions will win her back.

It usually goes down like something similar to this;

You have noticed lately that you just aren’t feeling it for Frank anymore. His jealousy and controlling behavior, which were overlooked in the beginning because he was just so funny, are getting old.

You have been dropping hints that things are not working. He brushes them off as if he didn’t hear them.

You slowly stop answering his calls or responding to his text messages. Subconsciously,  you start talking more and more about this new guy at work who is “just amazing at everything he works on”. 

One day you wake up and you just feel different.

You have made the turn. 

Meaning, you don’t love Frank anymore and it’s over.

The danger signs

Break ups suck.

For most people that have gone through one (and that should almost be everyone reading this), there really is no other way to describe it. Once the jilted party has gone through the sting of rejection, they eventually come out the other side and move on.

Some have a much harder time with this.

There are some danger signs that you should pay attention to if your demands for freedom are falling on deaf ears. These 6 warning signs I have personal knowledge of from working Stalker cases as a cop.

  1. If during and after the breakup he makes casual statements about how he couldn’t live without you.
  2. After not responding to his calls or text messages he blows up your phone with 100’s of messages, one right after the other. I have investigated cases where the victim has received over 700 phone calls or text messages in one day from a stalker.
  3. He has a criminal history involving similar type crimes or offenses involving threats or assaults.
  4. If you discover that he has been following you or worse, put a GPS device on your vehicle.
  5. If he shows up at your work insisting on talking with you.
  6. Uses social media to make vague or veiled threats against you or anyone that stands between him and the woman he loves.

    What you should do

    Many people think that the easy solution would be to tell the jerk to just leave you alone. If it were only that simple. Sadly, this strategy usually has the opposite effect.

    The mind of a stalker is a sad and lonely place.

    It is also occupied by a controlling, jealous, sometimes violent soul who wants to win at all cost.

    The courts and the judges would like to think that a piece of paper like a restraining or protective order will stop the behavior.

    And it will. For most normal people who would rather not go to jail. But this article is not about that group. What I’m describing is the real deal.

    A stalker.

    A stalker in every real sense of the word. One who slowly and methodically will track his prey, waiting for that one moment. That moment when all hope in getting you back is lost.

    That moment when the only solution is to ensure that you will forever be linked to him and no one else.

    If you or someone you trust are convinced that this is your reality then you really only have two options.

    Stand your ground or leave. 

    This is only if you have tried to resolve it through your local courts and have gotten no results.

    (Lookupfare is the only site I use when booking flights and making hotel reservations.) 

     

    Prologue

    I need to make one thing perfectly clear to my readers or anyone that may stumble upon this article. My aim is to not take sides in a gender blame-fest. As I have mentioned in this post and other articles, I am not absolving females from any wrong doing or criminal behavior.

    I have worked plenty of crimes where the main actor was female.

    But without question males commit most violent crimes.

    And it’s not even close.

    When I first started dating my wife she had told me about a former BF who had stalked her for the longest time but had eventually moved on. Like the tough cop BF that I was, I reassured her that it was over. There was no way this guy could touch her with me around.

    I was wrong. Again.

    She received a ten page letter (Facebook wasn’t around yet nor text messaging) out of the blue from this creep.

    I asked her if I could read the letter, you know, gather intel and what not.

    It had been almost 5 years and this guy still couldn’t let her go. The letter was definitely an opening into the heart of someone who was not in this reality. To say it was disturbing would be an understatement.

    We haven’t heard from him in almost 15 years.

    I still wonder if he’s moved on or if he’s waiting for that right moment to do what stalkers do.

    The stalkers who have no end game to their obsession.


    As a cop, I know that these topics are difficult to talk about. Most people would rather talk about happier topics and I completely understand.

    My goal is to not bring everyone down but to open up channels for everyone to discuss these threats to our family and loved ones. Please comment below if I have failed to mention other options or have left out obvious solutions that were not covered here.

    Also, I believe knowledge is power. I recommend Intelius for vetting practices on anyone that just doesn’t seem right or comes off as less than trustworthy.


    Some of you have reached out and want to share your story with others. A blog like this one is a great way to reach those who could benefit from your experience and interests. Blogging has changed my perspective and my life.

    It could do the same for you.

    Here is a video by Gary Vaynerchuk that expresses what I have been saying for years. You get ONE LIFE! If it’s starting your own business, getting your college degree, or starting your own blog, Don’t wait.

    Just start.


    I highly recommend HostGatorwhich in my opinion is the simplest and fastest way to get you started on your blogging journey. If you have any questions about starting a blog or a website, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment or email me directly at bart@familysafefirst.com.

     

     

     

     

     

     

A 23-year veteran police officer, Bart spent time as a patrolmen and a violent crimes detective (specialized in strategic intelligence and research analysis). Aside from this experience in high profile case investigations, he has received training from the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security in Advanced Intelligence Analysis. Bart also holds a Bachelor of Science degree in Criminal Justice and Strategic Intelligence (Magna Cum Laude) from Liberty University. As a father of four, husband and law enforcement officer, he wants to share his knowledge on safety with you. Bart is also a contributing writer for Law Enforcement Today.

7 Comments

  • Dennis VanCamp March 10, 2017 at 7:13 am

    Good article Bart! I think a lot of the stalker behavior comes from families that were patriarchal to the point of abuse and it manifested itself in a few to the next level. “Learned” behavior goes beyond poverty and entitlement into crime and pain…
    I am also amazed by women who stand resolute and fight instead of give in when faced with almost impossible circumstances, which has happened to a lot more women than we care to think.

    Maybe some more articles on Learned Behaviors backed with some statistics, and then some progressive ideas on changing them. Otherwise we, as a society, will continue along making the same mistakes, but expecting different results.

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 10, 2017 at 7:27 am

      Thanks Dennis. Yes, a lot of behavior begins with a persons upbringing to include the environment that they grew up in. In my experience, stalking is unique because, like you said, it crosses all class and social groups. I have unfortunately worked several homicides where the female had been stalked by her killer prior to the murder itself. This is why I try to separate the real deal stalkers from the posers but therein lies the rub. When and why does a jilted partner turn into a stalker? Thanks for the comment Dennis!

      Reply
  • Marilyn Woodall March 10, 2017 at 1:19 pm

    Having been stalked off and on for a year I can tell you it can change you. Mine was never violent or threatening but I did not kid myself into thinking that the he would never turn violent. I took action to protect myself and became much more cautious and aware of things around me never to this day do I let let my guard down. As much as we think we know people we don’t. My advice would be if something just doesn’t feel right or feels to good to be true follow your instinct, pay attention and don’t brush things off. I repeat pay attention. We hear the stories never thinking it could happen to us but it can and does.
    I hope more and more people will read your first hand experiences and learn from them. I commend you for putting things out there to help others but that’s who you are a helper, a giver and protector. Thank you Bart and keep them coming.

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 10, 2017 at 2:23 pm

      The one running theme through most of my articles is trusting your instincts and being prepared to take action. The one universal observation I have seen too many times are victims being unable to act. They become frozen with fear. If my article serve any purpose it is to get people at minimum thinking about and planning for that bad day that may or may not happen. Thanks again Marilyn and be safe!

      Reply
  • Hailey March 16, 2017 at 9:34 pm

    I learned a lot from this article! As a counselor I have worked with people who have been stalked and this gave me some really awesome insight into those experiences. Thanks for sharing your expertise.

    Reply
    • Bart Proctor March 20, 2017 at 1:46 pm

      Thanks Hailey! I am quite sure you have dealt with clients who have gone through similar experiences as the ones expressed in this article. I am glad that I was able to offer some insight that you may not have known or heard of. Thanks again.

      Reply
  • Loretyta Obradovic April 9, 2017 at 5:02 pm

    people can be frightening- to remember a stalker is unpleasant

    Reply

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